Space Needed

Today I have decided to begin blogging. Tomorrow I will consider telling someone about it.

First of all, to all of those who know I have a degree in English and wish to post comments regarding my grammar and/or spelling: don't. I do not grammatically correct my thoughts nor do I spell check them. They are what they are.

I like how I used the phrase "to all of those" when no one even knows I have a blog at this point and I am not sure if I will even tell anyone or if it will be just for me. Time will tell. Plus I have a hard time keeping things to myself so I am sure someone will find out.

Anyway, why have I started this blog? Well there are two starting points. One is that I have recently been reading a friend of mine's travel blog. While reading I realized that this blog was not only allowing him to communicate his travel experience but allowing him to actually figure out what was streaming through his head. The other is that many years ago a wise woman told me that when your world gets to be too much to handle you have to be able to learn to put certain "things" in the "for God to handle box." What she meant was that I can't control everything and I need to be able to let go of that which I cannot handle or change.

While this was good advice, I have come to realize that part of the reason I cannot let go is because I haven't had a vehicle in which to transfer these "things" from my brain to somewhere else. In reading my friend's blog, I came to the conclusion that this whole blogging thing may be just what I need. A much needed space outside my head. The idea is to blog it, leave it, and move on. I guess I will just have to wait and see if it works.

Realizing this post is already lengthy, I will keep today's export of thoughts short. I laugh-cried today. Do you know what that is? Where you all of a sudden burst into an outlet of emotion that is both uncontrollable laughter and tears and you aren't sure if you are overly happy or incredibly upset? Well that is what happened to me today. The trigger was Fritz's ice cream. I have been part of a weight loss challenge and I was doing very well for about a month and then this week I screwed it all up. So instead of self-loathing and whining I worked out for 2 hours and then went to the grocery store and purchased $60 worth of healthy food, came home and cooked myself a delightful healthy meal, and then decided to sit down with my mother and brother and watch FRIENDS while eating an apple with peanut butter for dessert.

Just then, my father called and asked if anyone wanted him to bring home Fritz's. My favorite. I have wanted it all summer. I didn't get any. Everyone else did though, and as soon as my mother got off the phone she said, "I would have asked you if you wanted any but I figured you didn't." I responded with, "No, I have my apple and peanut butter." I took a bite, and then out of nowhere the laugh-cry exploded out of me.

When he came home with the ice cream I took a shower so I wouldn't have to watch them eat it. Some of you may be thinking how strong I am and think I deserve a pat on the back for walking away from a temptation, but the thing is every day there is about 100 temptations and ice cream is the least of my problems. Why then am I not talking about those other problems here instead of going on about some stupid ice cream? Well, because I am taking baby steps and there are a lot of things I have to admit to myself first before figuring out how to release them.

I hope this new found space will help me do this. I promise not to be all down-trodden in all of my posts, but this first one will just have to be left at melancholy since I am still trying to figure out if I was laughing or crying. I will update you when I figure it out.

-C